


A Look Into My Mind

by imaginary_shadow



Category: Original Work
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Magic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fantasy, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Original Fiction, Possession, Royalty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:46:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25809832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginary_shadow/pseuds/imaginary_shadow
Summary: Follow the journey of Zoelle, a girl who thinks she's lost in her own mind. Or is she really?AN: A more detailed summary and other info will be added later. The story is just being written. It's unedited. Got a lot of grammatical mistakes. Apology in advance for them.





	1. Just A Glance

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any living person is purely a coincident.

**Chapter One: Just A Glance**

Let me first introduce myself of who am I? The answer is- a nobody. I mean come on its obvious isn't it, that if I were someone important and had anything better do in my life I wouldn't be writing a stupid story that probably wouldn't even get any views. But since I'm a nobody and don't have anything better to do so I'm gonna write this story down. Well to be honest I haven't come up with a plot yet. I'm thinking. I'm thinking of an interesting plot line, unique. Oh wait (looking up websites) such plot lines already exist. No way! There are hundreds of them! Sigh. 

At this point I should probably just call this a journal since I'm simply writing my thoughts down instead of writing a story here. Okay, so journal it is. And I swear to be completely honest here. But do forgive a few mistakes here and there. Let's start with the first truth. I'm a girl and despite being an insignificant being, I do have a name- Zoelle. My family lovingly gave me this name. I guess every baby when born is loved by the family. Unfortunately all kinds of shit happen when grown up.

Anyway, let's move on to the second truth. My life in general isn't that terrible. I mean I don't starve. I have a roof over my head and whatever little amount I earn, it helps me get by each month. Someone who's in worse state than me would definitely scorn me and say 'what do you possibly have to complain about?' Regrettably I still complain. I complain a lot. Not to any person (because who the hell has time for me) but to myself most of the times and very rarely to my close friends. I complain about always thinking about the worst case scenario in every situation. Not only do I think about it, I make myself accept it as well. I complain about abandonment issues which I started developing since my mother's death and only got worse due to other shits that had happened in my life. 

I complain about being wronged. I complain about my insecurities and trust issues. I complain about fearing getting hurt. That fear has made me isolate myself and I'm now a borderline anti-social person. I say borderline because it's not like I can't stand people or don't seek company from time to time or don't miss it. In short I've a lot of things to complain about. Recently I've been diagnosed by yours truly as an emotional masochist. Because despite hating emotional pain, I can't/don't seem to want to do anything to get rid of it. This matter is still confusing to me though.

Unfortunately where I live, psychological problems are severely overlooked. Many don't even acknowledge such problems let alone do anything to cure them. That is unless someone really acts out like a crazy person. Even if a problem is acknowledged, it's not given any importance even by highly educated people. A problem of the head/mind is something to be left alone and let it go away on its own. But it never goes away on its own, does it? Anyway having no hope of ever receiving any professional help like medication or therapy, I had decided to educate myself on mental health and psychological problems so that I'm at least aware.

It was a valiant effort on my part I'd say. And I probably have equal amount of knowledge as a first year psychology student. But that's just it as far as positive aspect goes of educating myself. I found no solution whatsoever for my own mental health. I mean come on, how could I possibly stop thinking negative things just because I read it in an article not to think negative things. If it were that easy I wouldn't be 'the patient'. As a result my learning too much only made me more hopeless.

Some of my relatives suggested me to take the religious path. Showing me ample of examples of people having mental problems getting better after surrendering to god. Oh how I envy them who were lucky to recover in this way. Because when I tried to walk that path, it only got worse for me. As is my habit of always thinking of the worst and accepting it, I started doing the same thing here as well. Always coming across articles and talks about hell fire and punishment. It got to the point where hell was created inside my own mind. I was constantly freaking out about my own thoughts. Constantly feeling fear. Even having panic attacks. Not that there weren't any positive articles or videos about love, kindness and mercy but unfortunately they failed to calm my mind. There was literary no effects of positive words on me.

Upon the suggestion of some close friends I distanced myself from everything for a while. Even though it helped a little but sadly not a lot. Nowadays, I only feel numb. Neither I'm moving forward nor am I living in the moment. I feel like a floating meaningless existence. There's no purpose in my life nor any desire to do anything. If I'm told to write down my last wishes list, it'd be blank. Not that I've already achieved everything I've wanted but that I've done nothing in my entire life. And at this point I'm accepting of the fact that I'll probably do nothing till my last breath. 

Life is so strange. The world itself is so strange. Here someone can be so important that people literary worship them, consider them an idol, an inspiration. And in this same world someone can be so neglected. Who knows why it is like that? For balance? No don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to unravel one of the mysteries of the world here. I wouldn't dare. It's simply a passing thought. But do forgive me for fantasizing what if I was born as someone important. Someone who many loved and cared about. Someone who doesn't need to struggle hardest just to get the simplest things but can get anything with the snap of fingers. No please don't ask me to stop. It's so good to think of that reality. Oh wait, I should probably stop before I get depressed. Because me being loved. What a hilarious joke! My aunt's cats are more pampered and cared for than me. Perhaps if I were adorable like them. Sigh!

I think I've said enough for one day. Perhaps tomorrow I'll be able to come up with a story. Then perhaps I'll post it. Then perhaps someone will read it and give it a thumbs up or say something nice. And it'll make my day. But being the negative thinker that I am, I will also be expecting a harsh comment that will make me regret ever writing anything. Okay I'll stop now. God knows if I start talking about negative things I can go on and on. So... peace out for now.


	2. Great Now I'm Officially Crazy!

**Chapter Two: Great Now I'm Officially Crazy!**

Let me start from the beginning. Last night I was feeling very hopeless and depressed to the point that I was crying my eyes out. I was wishing to stop existing. No, not just stop existing in this world but I wanted even my soul to cease to exist like it was never created. I won't get into details about why I felt such a way. The point is I felt like that and I guess I sort of fell asleep or passed out when my mind was overwhelmed.

Anyway the following day I woke up and I looked around and the only thing I could say to myself was-

_'It has finally happened. I've finally completely lost my sanity. I'm officially a crazy person now.'_

And here's the reason why I came to that conclusion. When I woke up I wasn't in my own bedroom. I was in a stranger bedroom. This bedroom was huge. Most likely triple the size of my real bedroom. The bed, the curtains, and the furniture everything looked very expensive. The most expensive thing I have in my possession is my laptop that according to the market is the cheapest kind. So the bedroom is huge with expensive furniture in it and then I looked down at myself and I screamed. Yes screamed.

_'Where are my boobs?'_

' _Why my legs are so long?'_

_'Why there are muscles on my arms?'_

_'Why my hair is short?'_ But most importantly-

' _Where the hell is my vagina?'_

Where did it go? And what the hell a dick and balls are doing in its place? No matter how harsh my life got, how sad I was, how hopeless or depressed, never ever I wished to become a male. Becoming male wouldn't have solved any of my problems. I don't recall ever even fantasizing about becoming a male even as a passing thought. What kind of craziness is this? Not to mention all these things are feeling so real. Of course a person hallucinating would think of the hallucinations as real.

After contemplating for a long time (yes even though crazy I found that I can still think) the only conclusion I could make is that since I wanted to cease to exist, now I'm hallucinating myself as a completely different person whose gender has also changed. Satisfied with that explanation I start to ponder on what to do next? How do I snap out of this hallucination? Should I snap out of it? What if I can't? Would someone notice I'm acting like a crazy person and then get me help? What if no one notices? What do I do until I'm fixed?

My trail of thoughts was interrupted when I heard a knock on the door. For a second I freaked out and didn't know what to do. Whoever is on the other side of the door knocked again while I tried to come to a quick decision about what to do? Well there wasn't any decision to make as there was only one thing I could do.

"Come in." I said loudly. The door opened and a boy who looked to be in his early twenties walked inside. He immediately bowed his head as soon as he stood in front of me. Wow such respect! And it made me feel so uncomfortable. Just what the hell kind of hallucination my broken mind has manifested?

"Wishing you a very good morning my prince." The boy greeted me. Suddenly a thought popped up into my mind about sneering at the boy and yelling at him. Strange. Why would I think something like that? No matter how pathetic my life is, no one can ever accuse me of ill manners towards another person. I was even respectful towards my step mother who did everything possible to make my life a miserable hell. Pushing back that absurd thought, I responded-

"Good morning." I said to the boy whose name I still didn't know. Though I was sure my hallucinating mind would come up with a name soon enough.

The boy's eyes widened at my response and he looked kind of shocked. It confused me but I didn't want to analyze anything. Wouldn't it be pointless when I knew this was all just in my head? And sooner or later, hopefully sooner I'll wake up from this. My situation was that of a person trapped inside a dream. The dream won't end until the person wakes up.

Speaking of dreams, I dream every night. Sometimes it's vivid, sometimes blurry. Sometimes I'd remember clearly what I dreamed about and sometimes I'd completely forget about it as soon as I wake up. I don't know what others do but usually in my dream I play along with the dream. I decided to do the same with this hallucination. I felt that's a better option rather than screaming and freaking out and acting out crazily. I also wondered if someone comes into my real bedroom in the real world right now would they see me talking to myself. Am I still sleeping in the real world or already wake and acting weirdly around people? I couldn't ponder on it for long as the boy spoke up again.

"My prince, are you feeling unwell?" The boy asked worriedly. Oh yes, I almost forgot. Apparently I'm a prince in this hallucination. Meaning someone important. Great just great. Note the sarcasm here please. The lack of importance in my real life is now being fulfilled in my head.

"I'm fine. Do you need something?" I asked. The question baffled the boy. And he looked lost for a moment. Then very carefully he spoke up again.

"My prince would you like me to serve you breakfast first or do you wish to take a bath first?" I didn't feel any hunger. Besides, I doubt eating food in my hallucination would actually fulfill my stomach. Well same goes for the bath too. Taking a bath in my hallucination won't actually get me cleaned in real life. The sensible thing for me to do would be to just sit on this huge comfortable bed and wait for me to snap out of this.

"Neither." I told the boy.

"Please leave me alone for a while." Now the boy looks like he's freaking out. Am I acting that weird? Well who cares. He doesn't exist anyway.

"Of course my prince. Excuse me." After stuttering that the boy ran out.

I could stay on the bed all for ten minutes. And even during these ten minutes I lay down, sat up and rolled around from one side to another. These were clear signs of restlessness. I even got curious about the penis inside my pants at one point. I stared at it for a couple of seconds. First I was fascinated. Not because I hadn't seen a dick before but to have this organ attached to a body that felt mine. Later I felt like a pervert for staring at a dick with such fascination. I quickly looked away and willed my mind to decline its existence.

'There's no dick inside the pants. There's no dick inside the pants.' I repeated this mantra over and over again.

After sometime it was simply impossible for me to remain on the bed. I decided to look around the room. I wanted to find out exactly how detailed this hallucination is. Let me describe in details how the room is. As I said before it's huge. The bed is situated on one side of the room with no windows on that wall. The window is actually on the opposite wall. There's a book self and study desk there. A comfortable looking couch and table. There's another door that seems to lead to a small balcony. In another corner there are some things that seemed like instruments but I don't recognize them. However, I gave credit to my mind for thinking up things I had no conscious knowledge about. My adventure led me to find a walk in closet where there were clothes but also some things that I had no idea what they were.

And the clothes were different too. Yes I could tell they were expensive but the style wasn't familiar to me. They weren't ancient looking clothes nor like the clothing that is seen in sci-fi movies. Only god knows how I am imagining things that I've never seen before. Even the pants and shirt I'm currently wearing felt different. It was hard to explain exactly how it was different but it just was.

Inside the closet, which wasn't any regular walk in closet but a very luxurious one, I came across mirrors as well. Happy to finally be able to find out how I look like, I checked myself out from head to toe. Not to be narcissistic or anything but I'd say I'm quite a good looking guy. Not the tall, dark and handsome or the tough and buff. But a lean bodied, tan skin toned, hazel eyed boy with dark brown hair that barely touched the shoulders with bangs over the forehead. The boy looked to be in his early twenties or perhaps mid twenties. He was also around five feet seven or eight inches tall. And it felt very tall to me since in reality I'm only about five three. Well at least my hallucination portrayed me as someone decently good looking and not as someone hideous. The kind of negative person I'm that would've made more sense I guess. Okay stop, there's no point in trying to find sense in all this nonsense.

Moving on, next I found the bathroom. And I was shocked to find no toilet in it. Just a huge tub and shower. Why my mind decided to exclude toilet, who the hell knows? Next I decided to go to the balcony attached to the bedroom. My jaws literary dropped when I took in the scenario outside. No the sky wasn't red, purple or green. It's still blue. The color of the leaves is still green. At least my mind didn't go off the rail and thought of red sky and blue leaves. I was still shocked though because I could see two people, flying/floating around in the sky. No not by parachute, or any high-tech flying suit. Not even by a gas balloon or Aladdin's magic carpet or even harry potter's broomstick. They were simply flying much like a bird but no they didn't have any wings or anything.

When the shock was over, I doubled over and burst out laughing. I laughed at the ridiculousness of my mind for conjuring up such a hallucination. Before I could criticize myself more, the bedroom door burst opened and a woman walked in, more like strode in. She walked right up to me and cupped my face with her hand. I could see concern in her eyes for me. Eyes that were much like my own eyes. Well not my own eyes but the eyes this body possesses. This body that I'm imagining in my head. Well you know what I mean.

Anyway, this woman with hazel eyes, and a gorgeous face (the kind of face I usually envy) not to mention the tall and slim figure, she asked me something that baffled me to no limits.

"My son, what has happened?" My son??? I'm hallucinating a mother now!!! Not to mention I'm imagining such a woman as my mother who has no resemblance whatsoever to my real mother. At this point, I feel utterly defeated. There's no point in questioning the sanity of my mind anymore since it's clear that I've already lost it. Play along. Just play along. Hence instead of asking who the hell are you, I said-

"Nothing mother." My so called mother frowned at me.

"Then why did you refuse to eat?" She asked.

"I um-" before I could say more, my mother looked over her shoulder.

"Summon the royal physician immediately." She ordered. When I looked I saw two men standing right outside the door. One of them immediately got into action.

"Yes my queen." Saying that he left after a bow. Of course she'd be queen as I was referred to as prince earlier and she's my mother. Then if I've a father then he'd be king. Way to go! At least in my hallucination I'm living a royal life. What if I was hallucinating about getting abducted by aliens instead and getting tortured? I couldn't help but shudder at the thought.

"What? What is it?" Oops she noticed the shudder.

"Nothing. I mean you're right mother. I'm not feeling very well." I said. The woman's eyes softened. She started caressing my cheek but I felt no warmth in it. I told myself that it was because this was an imagination. None of it was real and everything was simply happening in my head. And god knows there's no warmth in my mind. How long has it been since I've felt it!

"Of course I'm right my son. But you have to get better quickly. This is no time for you to get sick and stay in bed." I frowned in confusion and asked-

"Why?" The woman (I don't want to call her my mother because she's not) looked at me as if I've grown an extra head.

"Mihael, how can you ask that? Have you forgotten about the upcoming competition?" I didn't even bother hesitating.

"Competition?" I asked straight away. Because come on what's the worst that can happen when none of this is real.

"Oh save us Opestas, what has happened to my son?" Opestas? What the hell is that? I inwardly shook my head. Just let it be. Just let it be.

"Mother of course I remember about the competition. Don't worry about it. I think I'm ready." Why I said this, when I had no clue about any competition? Because I didn't like the look this woman was giving me. I just wanted her to leave now.

"You think?" She said in a scolding manner. I sighed out inwardly.

"I am ready." I said more confidently this time. And thankfully this satisfied her.

"Good. Because you know how important this competition is. This is a chance for you to put the other princes at their place and receive the emperor's favor." Before I could stop myself my mouth slipped.

"Emperor?" This didn't feel like an ancient time. The furniture in the room was fairly modern. Why the hell is there an emperor? The title of king I understand. A few countries still have kings and queens. But then again, since this is an imagination I guess anything is possible. I should watch out for fish walking around wearing suit and tie.

"What about the emperor?" The woman asked. Seeing my confused face, this queen got confused herself.

"Nothing. Just that I'll do it. I mean I'll gain his favor." The woman gave me a look as if trying to understand what was wrong with me. Oh there's plenty wrong with me woman. Your very existence is one of the effects of the things that were wrong with me.

"I think you should rest Mihael. The royal physician will be here any moment. I'll come to visit you later."

"Yes of course." I said way too eager for her to leave. This made her frown in confusion too but she didn't say anything and thankfully left.

I dropped myself back on the bed and lay back with arms behind my head. I inhaled a deep breath. Perhaps I should fall back to sleep. Perhaps then I'll wake up to my real world. Sometimes when I experience sleep paralysis, I always will myself to calm down and fall back to sleep again instead of panicking about it. After sometime I can wake up normally. Thinking this, I close my eyes and force myself to sleep. Hoping that when woken up again, all this insanity will go away and I'll be back to my normal level of craziness.


End file.
